sluglaw - aug 2021

august 2021

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f/22 / august 29th - 1:35 am

try to recall the feeling of peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.

now imagine that sensation inside of your heart, your arms, the nerves in your fingers. are you allergic to peanuts?

God has cast me aside, perhaps. a solitary goblin trudging thru the waves of life. i used to see moments of beauty, only my lowered gaze away from the camera showing me reality. now i can't find any interest in what the mirrored body reflects.

i see your smile in the viewfinder and all i capture is pain.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

cryptocurrency? it's more relevant than you think / august 28th - 4:32 pm

been too busy building my empire and wasting away my riches to blog much. just kidding, i was in a perpetual state of nausea on Friday and Saturday. curse my frail human body, when will they bioengineer me some better parts???

in any case, i'm back and i'm thinking about Bitcoin. i'm also thinking about how i should invest in a new laptop since my 'g' key is beyond repair. i'd like something more portable, but i'll probably just get another ThinkPad and chain it to my ankles to weigh me down and build muscle mass.

see you later, Bitcoin cowboy.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

journal entry # 2 / august 25th - 9:44 pm

birthday was a couple days ago. naturally, i took the entire week off from work. we ended up going to a theme park, having a nice dinner, a picnic by the water, and caused chaos. i don't have much more to say, but it was a lot of fun and i'm very grateful to have such a lovely person in my life.

the grim reality of another potential lockdown is preventing me from finding the motivation to work on cosplay. also my balcony door is fucked and won't shut completely.

songs that i've had on repeat this week:

thanks for reading,
love you.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

Google Keep / august 24th - 8:50 pm

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

snooze button / august 23rd - 8:56 pm

tried lifting my body up from my mattress but my left arm is heavy and my right arm is numb. lines from my pillow etched on my face. i can hear my heart beating in my chest and it's radiating in my throat and head. managed to get the laundry done before heading out to see you. didn't care when i washed my pants with a cheque for eighty bucks in the back pocket.

i pulled up to your house in my dad's car, only to have you break up with me with the keys still in the ignition. i don't like R Kelly. i am the keys to the car and you are whatever is above this closed sunroof. i'm going to drive to the ocean and turn my back to the water and let the seaweed whip my back like a modern day Jesus.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

does anyone still play Puzzle Pirates? / august 18th - 12:59 pm

had a dream i was part of a pirate crew that sailed the eight seas (the eighth sea being your heart) aimlessly. we were pretty awful pirates since we never stole anything or pillaged any land.

there was a dream within the dream that i started a mutiny and i was tied up and thrown off the deck. it was only in the hazy waters that i realized i did not know how to swim and laughed as i sank to my death. i laughed again when i woke up since it seemed like a very "me" way to die.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

#ISurvivedHighSchoolBy / august 16th - 3:12 pm

pulling off my limbs like spooky Halloween props and whipping them at my opponents. crouching down in the hallways and crawling in between legs, gnawing on shoelaces for dietary purposes. shoving battle propositions in the lockers of my foes, written on Doraemon stationery.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

mess me up / august 15th - 02:02 am

laying in my bed, entangled in barbed wire and bed sheets. wire spiked into my flesh which begins peeling away layers and exposing muscle as i struggle to escape. the more i move, the more it hurts.

"you have beautiful eyes", you said, as you cut out my irides with an exacto-knife.

i try to scream, but nothing comes out. it's as if my brain is incapable of processing this level of pain and is unable to react appropriately. my fingers move frantically around the mattress, looking for something to grasp onto.

"your lips are so soft", you said, as you bit down on my lower lip with enough force to draw blood.

a pool of sweat in the shape of me on the bed. my senses are heightened and yet my mind is blank.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

floriography / august 13th - 10:25 pm

all my months have been cruel.
spring arrives only to dampen my clothes.
you arrive only to dampen my spirits.

summer is a brutal transition.
petals from my cyclamen wilt in the heat.
i wonder how many of your words are learned from others.

sometimes i wonder what our future would have looked like -
morning sunlight creeping into our kitchenette,
dusty rose painted walls surrounding our bed.

a stone path leading to nowhere,
yellow hyacinths blooming in our backyard.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

[this user has been banned for diary posting] / august 12th - 8:20 pm

got motion sickness from the lady in front of me who had a full graphic t-shirt of fleurs-de-lis rotating in different directions. i found the nearest washroom to vomit in but i did it in the trash can and not the toilet so i got a few odd looks. washed my hands 12 times and then tried to remember if i had to go left or right after i exited the washroom. it was left, i think.

made a bee-line for the veggie platter in the center of the room. twelve pieces of dry cauliflower shoved down my throat. a clock that reads 14:17. thought about going to the washroom again to vomit but didn't.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

vacation itinerary / august 11th - 12:47 am

jumping off the edge of a curb dramatically, knowing all the lyrics to every Diana Ross song, plotting ways to kill your neighbour, only having one usable hand, drinking mixer with no alcohol, writing math equations in ink, huffing lighter fluid before biking uphill, grabbing free pamphlets wherever you go, rubbing your body down with Lysol wipes.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

inpatient / outpatient / august 10th - 6:37 pm

stray strands of cat hair that glistened in the morning light on my bed. i sighed and rolled over to my nightstand to pull out a pack of menthols - three left. i guess i'll have one. a pensive mood flowed over and filled the room. two years prior i had removed the smoke alarms in my condo, which was a direct violation of not only of the lease, but of my own safety. put my ashes in a Sanrio ashtray i bought off eBay.

i glanced over at my phone that was haphazardly tossed on the sheets beside me. three unread messages from my brother-in-law asking if i wanted to go for drinks tonight. i'll respond later, maybe with a thumbs-up emoji so he knows i'm serious.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

welcome to 2021 bitch, now drink up / august 9th - 9:25 pm

pounding headache and a strong resolve to never drink again. any and all food i consume today must be starch-ridden and terrible for me. i will disappoint my yoga teacher.

i checked my call log to see how many times i tried blowing up your phone at 11:59pm, 12:00am, and 12:01am. we've fought more times than the Russo-Turkish war. tell Ossip Gourko he was a good boy that didn't do anything wrong!!

back on my bullshit. my iCloud storage is full of images of various eyebrows of people indicted in the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia. which Glossier brow did Pandurevic use?

sitting on a hill, watching the fireworks go off in the adjacent town. . kiss my forehead and tell me i'm beautiful.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

journal entry #1 / august 8th - 01:42 am

haven't done an actual journal post on this website, so i thought why not give it a go. birthday is coming up soon and i feel old :^)

got some stuff to upgrade the bedroom and ended up deep cleaning over the weekend and fixing up the paint on the doors. hoping it'll be nice and cozy once it's all put together, perhaps i'll share some photos. i really love seeing how other people decorate their homes. it feels like i'm peering into a very intimate part of someone's life, and what they enjoy keeping around them.

songs that i've had on repeat this week:

ate a Gut-Wrenchingly Sweet donut in a skatepark, learned how to properly style my hair texture, went on a few good hikes (we saw a waterfall!!), lots of other fun things that i don't have time to recap. i do really need to kick my ass into gear and finish up my animegao kigurumi head/multiple cosplays. i tend to get overwhelmed and then leave everything for last minute *shrug*

thanks for reading all this!

i'll try and post more journal stuff in the future <3

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

blanched potatoes / august 7th - 6:43 pm

"how long will they last?"

i paused before clarifying. "in the freezer, i mean". nothing lasts forever.

following your instructions meticulously and without critique. nothing is too complicated, but i notice my body tensing up and my breathing becoming shallow. my hands shake to the rhythm of my heartbeat, making it difficult to hold my santoku knife.

ah, that's why, i knew i forgot something. my laughs echo in the kitchen and fill the space in between the steam from the stovetop. i put down my knife and close my eyes.

deep breath, exhale -

"happy belated birthday"

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

an attempt to articulate the ways in which my brain destroys itself / august 5th - 12:21 am

the illusion of self-control was brought upon me by the Dyson vacuum in my basement. from the moment i learned to clean, i learned to self-immolate. the origin of 'cleanliness is next to godliness' only holds true in moral purity (which i lack). i clean and clean and clean and clean and i'm left staring - not at the face of God - but at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror.

in an empty room i mutter, "the Samanas are telling me to clean the floors twice this week to reach enlightenment"

the Samanas will forsake me eventually, as they did with Siddhartha. my compulsions simultaniously ease me and stress me out. if i can't have mental freedom, then i'll at least have clean couch cushions!

taking a break from cleaning to snack.

once again, the creeping desires to control the waves and tides of my life return - this time in the form of the muffins above my microwave. eating, though a necessity, is tedious at best. at worst it consumes my every waking thought, punching down ideas and desires until they are nothing but mulch. inedible mulch, at that.

"i control my own destiny!!", i shout as i devour a box of Cheez-Its.

whether i'm eating, not eating, or restricting what i eat, i'm in control. i'm... in...... control? at the end of the day, all my desires and actions are simply manifestations of the emotions that preceeded them. i am being held captive by my mind in the worst possible way.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

The Blog That Owns Itself / august 4th - 12:11 am

my blogs all have legal ownership of themselves, i have deeded them as such. 8 digital feet (that's something like 9215 pixels) surrounding my blogs is owned by, my blogs.

i'm listening to the pitter patter of my dying cat running around upstairs. listening to the sounds of something and you know it's decaying. like when the fights between your parents go from passionate to careless, or when the leaves on the trees become audibly crunchy in the breeze.

did you know a river in New Zealand was declared a person with legal guardians?

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

cold showers / august 3rd - 1:38 am

i read some article on some clickbait website that listed the positive benefits to cold showers. i take cold showers everyday mostly as a masochistic thing, but it's good to know that i'm on the path to greater knowledge and healing and that i'm leagues ahead of my peers, spiritually.

but at my core i am spiritually broken on this second rotation around the sun. i want to be purged in a fire and thrown into the wind. i don't want the memories anymore, i want them gone from me. there is no one to turn to, and no one i want to turn to. i want to be alone and soak in my self pity.

"peace only comes with death" - some wise guy, probably. i'll never know and experience peace! i'll face infinite sadness before i reach my final end, upon which i won't be able to enjoy because i'll probably be reincarnated as some sad little bug!!

i need a cold shower.

/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\

Austin Powers: International Man of Misery / august 2nd - 12:07 am

incredibly sad blob of flesh somehow makes a meal and eats it - what happens next will shock you!

i want to pull off my skin and throw it on the floor and stomp on it when someone looks at me the wrong way. i want to say that i miss you and appreciate you but i can't move from my bed. i can't peel open my eyes or find the strength to hunger for anything that isn't alcohol. i want to be a better human being and not just some irl morose BuzzFeed article.

i think the fucked up things that i have witnessed have transferred on to me like a transfer paper art project gone wrong.

i like Dante's Purgatorio more than inferno. mostly because of how Virgil explains that each of the deadly sins/three terraces come from deficient, misdirected love. i think about this a lot. i also think about how not even Jesus' death could absolve the sins of Satan. Mark Twain, or someone that he ripped off, once said "who prays for Satan?". i'm trying to think of what Austin Powers character would be the closest to Beatrice.