july 2021
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leo szn, baby / july 30th - 12:10 am
hard to access the bigger picture when human minds have a necessary boundary.
i'm at a party, mixing tequila with kratom tea - not an easy journey on my tastebuds. i am loafing around, staring at the beer pong table, when someone asks if i want to join in. i turn my back to the eight cups. the night sky illuminates the back porch sliding door. outside i notice a few ashtrays, a couple making out, several bottles with three of them knocked over. i am fixated on the things that brought me here. i'm so engrossed in my own spiraling, dramatic thoughts, that i don't notice my friend offering me drink.
the humidity of the summer night reaches my mind, fogging my thoughts.
/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\
based is how you feel inside / july 29th - 01:42 am
was looking around the room for a familiar face, but my head was swirling. noses and eyes and chins were hazy, as if my view was painted by Cezanne.
the poetic appeal of bathroom graffiti is more evident when i've had a few rum and cokes. what am i doing here? sitting in the stall, analyzing the backs of my hands, echos of high heels and vomiting girls. suddenly snap out of the temporary coma i'm in when i hear our song, Times Blue - Lil B.
when was i the happiest? i tried to recall as i danced around and weaved through strangers holding their drinks. my most recent memory was downloading Lil B albums as they came out on DatPiff, biking to the convenience store for a slushie at midnight. nothing but me and God's Father. i want to go back to that, but i don't know how. i press the ice cold Stella to my head and try to disappear into the crowd.
/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\
my stomach disagrees with my life choices / july 28th - 01:17 am
blue cheese leaves a weird feeling on the roof of my mouth. the piece of popcorn stuck between my teeth hurts and it reminds me of you. piece of bread covered in mold that i ate in the dark at 4 am while getting ready for work. empty bottles of Zywiec scattered in my room and piling up in my garage. boiled eggs and tuna sandwiches in the break room.
/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\
the winter of our disillusion / july 27th - 12:34 am
i want to drown in your thoughts and feelings,
slip between the spaces of your words,
as if they were my own.
i used to think the way we expressed ourselves was complicated,
wrapped in layers of self-doubt and confusion,
a sprinkle of depression.
what i can say now is that our shared experiences are painfully simple;
a sense of being self-centered with no self-interest,
walking aimlessly with no goal.
/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\
give_me_the_white_russian.mov / july 26th - 12:21 am
you silently picked me up and put me on your shoulders while your friend stood beside us, looking down the three story drop to the bottom of the empty mall. a nearby art installation made of thousands of LED lights lit up the specks of grey hairs on your head. counting the hairs made me drowzy, so i closed my eyes. i could hear the clicking of your friend's Nikon camera, the rustling sound of your jacket, and the heartbeat in my brain.
we ditched the mall for a park, where i got caught up in the overwhelming feeling of admiration when i saw a well taken care of dog. i am drunk on 8 year old scotch i found in a kitchen cabinet at your cottage. when i was 8 years old i wanted to marry you. i'm 18 now, and all i want is to see you more often.
/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\
veuillez trouver ci-joint / july 25th - 12:01 am
i had a dream where my face was plastered in post-it notes. i tried shedding them, but they kept growing back. i thought i saw your shadow through the paper, so i tried making a joke to lighten the mood.
"funny how this keeps happening, huh?"
you didn't respond, but what can i expect from a dream? i thought i could smell the menthol on your clothes. scent is a powerful memory jogger, i read that on Psychology Today once. the post-it notes started to leave little lacerations on my face and eyelids. i put on my best smile to attempt another conversation starter.
"it kinda hurts"
dead air, the only sound was my own breathing. is it futile to converse within a dream? but it's you, so i try again.
"i want to go home"
/^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\ /^(o.o)^\
hurt, ouchie / july 24th - 3:18 am
my heart feels full when i walk underneath the trees, harmoniously swaying in the wind, their gentle leaves creating sounds to compliment the clicking of my loafers on pavement. my heart feels full when i look out onto the lake, squinting from the hot sun. i close my eyes and let myself feel full again. surrounded by everything. is it just my imagination, or are you in the blades of grass? are you the swans floating gently on the horizon? the heat warming my back and the breeze cooling me off is made possible by you, and you only.
how bittersweet i feel most days, cloaked in your memories and wishes. i want to be able to hold on to something, even if it hurts.
finished reading By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept by Elizabeth Smart. not sure how i can write a succinct, meaningful review of this, but i'm truly blown away by how descriptive Smart is of her world and of her love. how she manages to weave her words between idyllic and hellish. i'm going to commit to reading more, playing Neopets more, creating more. i've been stuck in what i can only assume to be a time loop - repeating the days over and over, and it's driving me mad.
